Doppleganger
by Stephanie18
Summary: After Manticore is destroyed, Max discovers that Manticore wasn't all about the battlefield... wackiness ensues. Meet Maxine, the Martha Stewart of Manticore! *Complete*
1. Knock, Knock

Doppleganger  
  
Summary: After Manticore is destroyed, Max discovers that Manticore wasn't all about the battlefield... wackiness ensues.  
  
Disclaimer: Me, own Dark Angel? Pffft. What've you been smoking?  
  
A/N: ...I'm insane. Most definitely.  
  
Max and Logan moved toward each other, both taking deep breathes in preparation for the moment that had been building since they had met. Closer and closer they moved toward each other, until their lips were thisclose, and then...  
  
there was a knock on the door. They both swore and moved away from each other, choosing to ignore the moment... as they always seemed to do.  
  
"I'll get it." Logan grumbled and walked to the door, the exo gently humming as he went.  
  
He threw the door open in a fury, ready to tell whatever visitor it was to go straight to -- but he stopped. His face scrunched up in puzzlement as he stared down at the face of... Max.  
  
"Are you Logan?" She asked.  
  
Max appeared at Logan's side and looked up at him curiously. "Who is it?"  
  
"It's, uh... you."  
  
Max, just as puzzled as he was, turned to look at who was standing in the doorway. He was half right. She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "Another clone?"  
  
"Hi." The clone greeted cheerily.  
  
It was then both Max and Logan took note of the clone's clothes. She was dressed in a fifties style dress, like Max had seen on TVLand reruns, and oddly enough, she was wearing an apron.  
  
"What the hell?" Was all Max could muster.  
  
"I'm sorry." The clone said and stuck out a hand. "I've been terribly rude and that's not how I was trained. I apologize for my lack of introductions. I am Maxine."  
  
Both Max and Logan stared, neither knowing what to say. Maxine noted the staring as rude, but she was in another's home and would just remember it as a first impression. Logan then shook his head and apprehensively took the hand Maxine offered and shook it.  
  
"If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to come in and maybe explain my visit."  
  
Max and Logan both nodded and moved away from the door, allowing Maxine to enter the penthouse. They shared a look then followed her to the living room. She smiled pleasantly at them and gestured toward the couch, and the pair bumped into each other roughly as they tried to make their way to the couch, never taking their eyes off the curious Maxine.  
  
"Well," She began. "First I'd like to congratulate you on getting rid of that unpleasant little virus! Kudos!"  
  
Off their blank stares, she continued.  
  
"Anyway, after Max liberated all the transgenics from Manticore, well, my unit was one of the last to leave the area. We weren't exactly taught how to survive and all that, and Manticore was really the only kitchen we ever knew, so we hung around a bit in the ruins. Oh it was filthy!"  
  
"I'm sorry, the only *kitchen* you ever knew?" Max asked.  
  
"Well, yes." Maxine chirped. "You see, my unit wasn't made to be soldiers. We were the domestic branch of things. We were a prototype, you see. While you all were off at the battlefield, we were in the kitchen learning the culinary arts."  
  
Max playfully slapped Logan's arm and turned to him. "Looks like you and Manticore have something in common after all."  
  
Logan just smirked and the two turned their attention back to Maxine.  
  
"We were an experimental thing. They wanted to see if they could make loyal soldiers if they could make loyal domesticates. An added bonus was that, since we didn't have the soldier instinct, we could be dropped into any situation and blend in and collect information without anyone having any idea." Maxine told them. "But then they decided that the soldiers were doing fine in that department, so we were pretty much just sent to the kitchens and did cleaning and things of that nature."  
  
"Not to sound rude or anything, but why come to me?" Max asked.  
  
"Well, we knew that you had brought down Manticore and everything and we heard that you were well adjusted and all that, and we hoped that maybe you could... help us become adjusted to the outside." Maxine said and smiled sheepishly.  
  
"And how did you find out about me? Where I live?" Logan asked.  
  
"We've been following Max." Maxine admitted. "Like I said, we have the ability to blend in. No one would really ever notice us, not even another transgenic."  
  
"How many of you -"  
  
"Domestics." Maxine added helpfully.  
  
"...Domestics are there anyway?" Max asked.  
  
"There's only ten of us." Maxine told her. "But you would only have to teach me about the real world and I could take everything back to my siblings."  
  
"Would you mind if Logan and I checked some things out before I helped you?" Max asked.  
  
"Oh, of course not." Maxine replied. "I know you have to be careful and all. But, Logan, if you don't mind me calling you that -"  
  
"No, not at all."  
  
"Okay, Logan, would you mind if I... baked while you two checked up on me?"  
  
"Uh... baked?"  
  
"You see, I haven't been in a kitchen for weeks and I'm just itching to make a good batch of muffins!"  
  
"Uh... go... right ahead." Logan told her.  
  
Maxine smiled and thanked him, then rushed into the kitchen. Logan and Max looked at each other and wondered... well, about a lot of things. 


	2. So Many Muffins So So Many

After Logan accessed what was left of the Manticore database, he sighed and sat back. He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger, happy to be able to take a break from the computer, even if it was only for a few short seconds.  
  
"What're you doing?" Max asked as she entered the room.  
  
"Just took a two second break." Logan replied and put his glasses back on. "Even though no one's maintaining the system, it was still hard work to get in you know."  
  
"Sorry." Max mumbled. "But I just don't like her."  
  
Logan smirked. "And why is that?"  
  
"I'm not quite sure." Max shrugged. "Just a feeling I guess."  
  
"Hey, why don't you go check on her. Who knows what she could be up to in that kitchen of mine."  
  
"I will do that." Max said.  
  
Logan smiled to himself as Max left the room.  
  
Max entered the kitchen and was taken aback. Every available bowl on the counters that had been in sight had had its contents empty and was now filled with muffins. Blueberry, apple cinnamon, banana nut... it looked like there was every kind in the world. Maxine popped up from under the counter and smiled brightly.  
  
"Hello!" She chirped. "Would you like a muffin?"  
  
"Uh, no." Max said as she looked around the kitchen. "I'm fine thanks."  
  
"Well, suit yourself." Maxine replied and grabbed a bowl of muffins. "I'm going to take this in to Logan, he's working so very hard."  
  
"No, I'll take it to him." Max said and took the bowl from her.  
  
"Oh no, I insist." Maxine said and snatched the bowl back.  
  
"No, I'll do it." Max told her and roughly grabbed the bowl.  
  
"I said I would." Maxine said and reached for the bowl, but Max pulled it from her reach. "I made them after all!"  
  
"Well, Logan and I are discussing important things, and I wouldn't want him to be distracted." Max said and began walking back to the computer room.  
  
"Maybe he needs a distraction." Maxine replied and grabbed the bowl. "I mean, after all, he is working terribly hard. A break might do him good."  
  
"What would do him good would be me bringing him the muffins." Max and ripped the bowl from Maxine.  
  
"No, me!" Maxine replied and tried to grab the bowl once again, but failed. She toppled forward after losing her balance, and sent Max crashing to the floor with the bowl. The bowl slid away from them and the two began attacking each other to get it.  
  
"Ha!" Max exclaimed and got up, but Maxine grabbed her ankle and pulled her down. Maxine tried to get up, but Max lunged forward and grabbed her by the legs, sending her crashing to the floor.  
  
Sensing no further moment, Max became worried. She quickly got up and rolled Maxine onto her back. She let out a relieved sigh when she saw that she had just been knocked unconscious. Shrugging, she grabbed the only muffin still in the bowl and pulled herself to her feet.  
  
She looked in the direction of the computer room and shook her head. "Is it genetic?"  
  
Logan leaned back in his chair once again, happy that he was finished. He skimmed over Maxine's file and was happy to know that there was nothing to worry about; she had told them the truth.  
  
"Muffin?"  
  
For a moment he stared at the baked good in front of him, then took it and looked up at Max and smiled. "Thanks."  
  
She shrugged. "No problem. Not like I made it."  
  
"How's Maxine doing in there?"  
  
"She's... taking a break." Max replied. 


	3. Diseased Muffins? And Lemon Pledge!

Maxine opened her eyes and groaned. Her first thoughts were of how rude Max had been, but then she sat up and saw the muffins everywhere... and she screamed. Screamed bloody murder.  
  
Quickly, Max and Logan rushed into the room, quite noisily at that.  
  
"What's wrong?" Logan exclaimed.  
  
Maxine pointed a shaky finger at the muffins that lay everywhere. She turned to them with a horrified expression, "The muffins! Ruined! On the floor! My God! Perfectly good food, wasted! There are starving people in China!"  
  
Max rolled her eyes and shook her head lightly. Logan took a calming breath, then bent down and picked up a muffin. He inspected it closely then, finding not a speck of dirt on it, he moved to take a bite of it...  
  
"No!" Maxine exclaimed and zoomed over to Logan, knocking the muffin from his hand. "It's been on the floor! You'll catch a disease!"  
  
"...Okay."  
  
"So," Maxine said, suddenly back to her chipper self. "Does my story check out?"  
  
"It did." Logan nodded. "Now that we know you told us the truth, Max can help you."  
  
"Can't I just write a few little notes?" Max said, but Logan gave her a look and she sighed. "Fine. Tomorrow I'll... take you to work."  
  
Maxine smiled widely and brought Max in for an oxygen draining hug. "I'm so happy! Thank you!"  
  
Max gently pushed her double away and managed a smile. She then suddenly frowned. "Where are you going to stay?"  
  
Maxine's smile never faded. "I can stay with Logan. I can make him cookies."  
  
"No! No!" Max said suddenly. "I mean, no. Stay with me. I can... teach ya about... roommates and... uh, other stuff. Staying with Logan wouldn't exactly prepare you for the real world."  
  
"She's got a point." Logan agreed. "Not everyone lives in a penthouse."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
* * time lapse... * *  
  
Max pushed open the door to the apartment and made way for Maxine. "Home sweet home."  
  
Maxine entered the apartment and her eye began to twitch. She looked around the disarray and tried to force a smile, but it wouldn't come. "Is, uh, every place so... unorganized?"  
  
"Pretty much." Max shrugged. "After the Pulse people didn't really have the cash for a maid or butler."  
  
"I see." Maxine said in an oddly high-toned voice. "Would you... mind if I... cleaned up a bit?"  
  
"I guess it wouldn't hurt." Max said. "You really don't have to..."  
  
"No, no, no." Maxine said and began looking around for something to clean with. "It'd be my pleasure."  
  
Maxine quickly pushed Max aside and grabbed a rag and searched under the sink. She gave a victorious cry when she found some Lemon Pledge. She showed her prize to Max, then ran off into the bathroom, laughing madly.  
  
Max raised her eyebrows, but said nothing. It seemed that everything to come out of Manticore had its... quirks, and Maxine proved to be no different. 


	4. Dirt? Oh Heavens

Max stepped out of the newly cleaned shower, walked on the freshly mopped tile floor over to the now brilliantly polished mirror, and smiled at her reflection. She grabbed a newly washed towel and wrapped it around her head, then grabbed another and wrapped it around herself.  
  
She threw open the door and was only a few steps out of the bathroom before Maxine darted past her and began drying the floor again.  
  
"What're you doing?" Max asked, curious.  
  
"I'm just keeping it all tiptop!" Maxine chimed as she tidied up the bathroom... again. She had already done it once when Cindy had finished.  
  
Max shrugged and went to her room. She took the towel from her head, and let it fall to the -  
  
"Don't leave your wet towel on the floor! It ruins the carpeting!"  
  
Sighing, Max bent down and snatched the towel from the floor. She threw it roughly on her bed and proceeded to brush her hair. She tossed the brush back onto the dresser and grabbed her robe off a chair in the room and slipped it on.  
  
Once in the kitchen, she picked up a waiting cup of coffee and greeted Original Cindy. Cindy looked up from her eggs, bacon, and toast and arched her eyebrows. "Where did you find her?"  
  
"Long story." Max said, then noticed what Cindy was eating. "Where did she find that?"  
  
"No clue." OC told her. "She snuck out at four in the mornin' and came back at five with all this."  
  
Maxine emerged from the bathroom, threw a bundle of paper towels into the garbage, then turned to Max and gave her a smile. "Good morning."  
  
"Morning." Max said. "Uh, question. How did you get this stuff?"  
  
"I went to the market." She told her.  
  
"Do you have money? Or... did you steal it?" Max questioned.  
  
"I had a little money." Maxine told her. "But I mostly relied on my people skills. I'm amazing at bartering."  
  
Max was about to reply, but Maxine held up a hand and turned her head tot he side, obviously straining to hear something. She quickly grabbed the roll of paper towel and sprinted off to the bathroom without another word.  
  
"You comin' to work, boo?" OC asked and got up. "Or are you gonna hang with Mrs. Clean today?"  
  
"You can go without me." Max told her. "I'm gonna come in late and show Martha Stewart there around."  
  
"Aiight. Have... fun." She smirked and left the apartment.  
  
Maxine then bounded into the room, her usual smile in place. She handed Max a pile of freshly cleaned clothes. "I had them washed and ironed for you."  
  
"We don't own an iron." Max said and accepted the clothes.  
  
"I didn't say I used your iron." She chirped.  
  
"Okay, then, whose iron did you use?"  
  
"Can't share my cleaning secrets with anyone." She told Max, then suddenly her expression turned grave. "And if I did, I'd have to kill them."  
  
Max smiled weakly, suddenly fearing for her life.  
  
* * outside Jam Pony * *  
  
Max fanned Maxine's face for a moment before Maxine slowly opened her eyes. She rubbed her head and looked up at Max, a curious expression on her face. "What happened?"  
  
"You took one look in there and fainted."  
  
Maxine grabbed Max's shirt and pulled her close to her face. "I never wanna go back there again. So... unclean."  
  
Max gently pried her kooky clone's fingers loose and gave her a smile. "Okay. I'll take the day off and we can go to Logan's, and you can... bake cookies."  
  
Maxine nodded and smiled placidly. She watched Max walk into Jam Pony, then turned her attention to a group of kids hanging around on the corner. One of them dropped a candy wrapper on the ground... and she passed out again.  
  
* * The penthouse * *  
  
Max picked the lock and pushed the door open, then grabbed Maxine's unconscious form and dragged her into the kitchen.  
  
"Logan!"  
  
A few minutes later, Logan walked into the kitchen and was quite perplexed. Max gave him a look then took Maxine into the living room and set her on the couch. After making sure she was still knocked out, she returned to the kitchen.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"She some dirt and passed out." Max told him.  
  
"Seriously?"  
  
"Oh yeah." Max put her hands on her hips. "Logan, she's insane!"  
  
"Oh, I wouldn't call her that. She's just... enthusiastic."  
  
"Enthusiastic would be dusting the entire apartment, but Logan, she cleaned the whole damn thing. Two times!"  
  
"The horror!" Logan exclaimed in mock horror. "You get the angry mob and I'll get the pitch forks and torches!"  
  
"I'm serious." Max glared and slapped his arm. "She's kookier than cocoa puffs!"  
  
"Max, I think you're overreacting." Logan told her calmly. "She's just... different. She'll just take a little time to get used to is all, and it's not like she's going to be here forever."  
  
"I don't think I can handle her much longer." Max said. "With her - her baking cookies, cleaning my apartment, and her - her trying to woo you with her muffins!"  
  
"Are you sure she's the one who's insane?" 


	5. I LIKE TO BAKE!

Max bitterly bit into the chocolate chip cookie that Maxine had given her earlier. She had taken Logan aside and expressed her concerns that the cookies may have been poisoned, but he shook his head and told her to relax. After secretly testing the cookie she relaxed. But she still watched that crazy Maxine like a hawk. She just knew she was going to snap any minute... and she had to be there to stop the inevitable carnage.  
  
"Want another one?" Maxine smiled and handed another cookie to Logan.  
  
Max crushed the cookie in her hand, getting chocolate chip goo all over her hand. She decided then that Maxine would just have to... go away. Very far away. From Logan.  
  
"No thanks." Logan replied and put the cookie down on the counter. "I'm kind of full."  
  
'That's right.' Max thought crazily. 'You reject her cookies of manstealingness!'  
  
"Max, are you okay? There's a very large vein popping out of your forehead and you're all red."  
  
"I think I hear a faucet dripping somewhere."  
  
With a worried gasp, Maxine grabbed the mop and rushed from the room. Max smiled to herself and wiped the chocolate goo from her hand with a dish towel, then turned to Logan.  
  
"Okay, she'll be gone for a little while." She began. "So, would you please look up her file again? Her psychiatric evaluation perhaps?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll do that." Logan stood, and as he was walking to the computer room, he muttered, "And I'll look up yours too."  
  
Maxine entered the kitchen again, frowning. She carefully put the mop in its newly designated space and turned to Max. "I couldn't find a leaky faucet anywhere."  
  
"Must've been my ears on the fritz." Max shrugged.  
  
"Anyway, I was wondering something - about the real world."  
  
"Shoot."  
  
"Well, you know, I was wondering about how to go about getting a job." She sighed. "I just can't seem to figure out how to go about it. I mean, from the looks I get, it would seem... my apron turns people off."  
  
"Well, not many people wear aprons these days."  
  
"But - but I was trained on the women of the fifties television shows! Aprons! Pie! Cookies! Milk! Helping teenagers with the problems and barely getting any lines!" Maxine exclaimed. "It's what I was built on!"  
  
She roughly grabbed Max by the shoulders and began shaking her. "This world is rocking my foundation!"  
  
She let go of Max and began pacing back and forth like a caged animal. She began muttering to herself, but Max could only make out that it was some sort of recipe that called for "butter, two sticks" and "flour, two cups."  
  
Max plastered a smile on her face then slowly backed out of the kitchen and rushed into the computer room. She pointed in the direction of the kitchen and exclaimed, "She's a complete nutjob! She's - she's nuttier'n half the muffins she bakes!"  
  
Logan swiveled in his chair and gave her an indecipherable look. He sighed. "I know."  
  
"You've got to be - uh, what?"  
  
"I know." He said and turned back to the computer. "I dug deeper into her file and read her psych evaluations, and without the drugs Manticore supplied her with... she's like Martha Stewart on speed."  
  
"Is she... dangerous?" Max asked and began reading the file on screen.  
  
"Luckily for us, she was the least... crazed of her group in Manticore." He said and pulled up another file. "She's fine if you didn't interrupt her baking or cleaning. But her siblings... some of them can get pretty bad. There's a reason they only made ten, and that's because they were so defective they could hardly be controlled."  
  
"So, if we just let her bake, she's cool, right?"  
  
"Pretty much, yeah. Why?"  
  
Max paused. "Oh well, nothing. I just, you know... how much flour do you have?"  
  
* * time lapse... * *  
  
Max ducked as a frying pan hurtled toward her. It just missed her and crashed into the wall, then fell to the floor with a clang. She set the bag of groceries she was carrying on the counter and made her way warily over to where Maxine was digging through Logan's cabinets. She was sitting on the floor, pots and pans scattered all around her.  
  
"I, uh, brought you some stuff."  
  
"Thanks ever so much!" Maxine chirped and got up. For a moment Max worried that she was going to attack, but she just walked over to the grocery bag and began emptying it. "I can use this, thank you."  
  
"No problem." Max nodded then walked to the computer room.  
  
She found Logan sitting at the computer, his head in his hands. Before Max could ask what was wrong, he sighed and motioned to his desk. She turned and saw that muffins, cookies, and pies were stacked up on his desk.  
  
"We need to get her out of here!" He sobbed. 


	6. Eat My Pretties, Eat

Max and Logan peered around the corner and looked into the kitchen. It was just like in cartoons. Logan's head was above Max's and it would've been a hilarious sight if Maxine wasn't so busy making every kind of baked good known to man.  
  
The pair pulled their heads and crossed their arms, then put on their meanest faces. In unison they whispered, "You go talk to her." "I'm not talking to her." "Fine."  
  
They turned away from each other, then there was a loud crash in the kitchen. They both cringed and moved a bit back. But all that came from the kitchen was a small voice. "Oh fiddley poo!"  
  
"We need to get her out of here." Logan whispered.  
  
"Ohh, ohh. NOW we need to get her out of here, but when she was Miss Here Logan Have Another Muffin it was all honky doory!" Max whispered back harshly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nevermind." Max sighed and threw up her hands. "So, what's the plan?"  
  
"The plan? I thought you had the plan."  
  
"Why would I have the plan?"  
  
"You wanted her gone from the moment she got here." Logan shrugged. "I figured you'd been plotting."  
  
"Plotting? I don't plot. Evil villains and people who're mean to puppies plot. I do not plot."  
  
"Well, fine. What're we -"  
  
Maxine poked her head around the corner and Logan shrieked. Max turned around and she shrieked too, then backed into Logan. She stepped on his foot and he began backing away as well. They plastered grins on their faces as they slowly scooted away.  
  
"Where're you off to?" Maxine asked with a huge smile. "I've made brownies!"  
  
"...I'm on a diet?" Max offered weakly.  
  
Maxine put her hands on her hips and shook her head. "Oh you."  
  
She grabbed Max's arm and began dragging her into the kitchen. Max turned to Logan and mouthed 'Help.' After Max disappeared around the corner, he put his most charming smile and walked into the kitchen. "Maxine, I -"  
  
"Sit." Maxine commanded and pointed to a stool.  
  
He though of objecting, but Max turned to him and shook her head, brownie crumbs smeared on her face and her cheeks puffed out. Gulping, he sat in the stool Maxine had pointed to without a word.  
  
She placed a large brownie in front of him and smiled. "Max has already gobbled hers up!"  
  
Max nodded vigorously then swallowed the mass of baked chocolate in her mouth and downed the glass of milk in front of her. She then turned to Logan and his eyes urged him to eat his brownie before Maxine turned into The Hulk or something.  
  
Logan gave a nervous smile and took a large bite of the brownie. He smiled as he ate, not wanting to upset Maxine. She clapped her hands and giggled when he took another bite.  
  
"I'm glad everyone likes my baking." Maxine chirped and returned to the oven.  
  
While she wasn't looking, Logan pushed the brownie into the garbage and Max quickly covered it with the paper plates the brownies had been served on. They looked at each other, both wondering what they were going to do.  
  
"Cookies are done!" Maxine smiled and set a pan of cookies down in front of them.  
  
They both knew what they were going to do. What they had to do to keep their body parts intact.  
  
...They were going to eat her cookies and they were going to pretend they liked it.  
  
* * time lapse... * *  
  
Max shoved the last half of her fifth muffin into her mouth and chewed slowly. She turned to look at Logan, who was working on his sixth or seventh cookie, and wanted to cry. She had been prepared for a lot of sick tortures, but this particular one had never been brought up at Manticore.  
  
Logan turned sluggishly and looked at Max. She had as much baked good remnants smattered on her face as he did, which was a bit of a relief. He wasn't the only one that was going to suffer a cleansing by the Martha Stewart from hell. Well, a worse hell than the original Martha Stewart was from.  
  
"Oh, you've finished." Maxine said, a tinge of sadness in her voice. "Well, I'm all baked out anyway. Let's get you two cleaned up, shall we? You're a mess!"  
  
Max and Logan looked at each other, wondering how exactly she planned to clean them up. They didn't have to wait long to find out, however. She grabbed them both by the backs of their shirts and dragged them into the bathroom. She left them in a fattened heap by the door and got to work putting water in the tub.  
  
"Why don't you... kick her ass?" Logan suggested in a whisper.  
  
"She's a psycho." Max whispered back. "A psycho with Manticore training. I have the training, but I'm considerably less psycho. And no comments from the peanut gallery."  
  
Logan closed his mouth, then opened it again in fear. Maxine was towering over them, a bar of soap in one hand. Max and Logan looked at each other, then... then they began to cry like little babies.  
  
"We don't want to die!" They sobbed together.  
  
Maxine shook her head and let out a chuckle. "You two are hilarious!"  
  
She grabbed Logan and ushered him to the tub. He kneeled before it, wondering exactly what she was going to do. Then a felt a hand on the back of his head... then he crashed down into the water. He was brought back up, choking on water.  
  
"Dirt is the enemy Logan!" Maxine chirped as she rubbed the soap all over his face. "I'm going to win this war!"  
  
She dunked him back down into the water then brought him back up and tossed him to the side. She then turned to Max, who was slowly trying to crawl out of the bathroom. She waggled a finger at her retreating form, then grabbed her ankle and dragged her over to the tub and repeated the dunking process.  
  
"It's all fun and games until things get dirty!" Maxine said cheerfully as she ran the soap over Max's face. Then she dunked and tossed her aside as well. She then let the water out of the tub and frowned. "Why don't you two go clean yourselves up while I clean this tub, hmm?"  
  
The pair nodded vigorously then hightailed it out of the bathroom. They stood in the hall, dripping wet.  
  
"This has to end." Max said quietly.  
  
"How though? Like you said, she's a psycho."  
  
"First, we dry off." Max said, a plan forming. "Yeah, I got it. I got it."  
  
"What is it?" Logan asked eagerly.  
  
"First, we dry off." Max told him. "Then... then we cry. And then... and then... then we pray. Pray a helluva lot. Then... then we'll expand on the plan."  
  
"Sounds good." Logan nodded. 


	7. Baked Genocide, The Best Kind

Maxine entered the bedroom and spotted Max and Logan in an interesting position. She'd never seen anyone do such a thing. On their knees, hands clasped together... it was quite a curious sight to her. She shook her head and tapped Max on the shoulder.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Uh... praying." Max answered nervously. "Praying... praying for... a - a - clean house."  
  
"Now that you mention it, this place could use a sprucing up." Maxine said, then clapped her hands together. "You stay right here and I'll get the Lemon Pledge!"  
  
She ran from the room, giddy as a schoolgirl. Logan turned to Max.  
  
"A clean house?"  
  
"Well, I figured that if I told her we were praying for her untimely death, she may have tweaked out!"  
  
Logan looked toward his closet and gulped. "Just don't let her in there."  
  
"Why? Is there a shrine to me or something? Or maybe a shrine of yourself, you egomaniac?" Max asked and walked over to the closet.  
  
"I'm telling you, don't open that door..."  
  
"It is, isn't it? It's a shrine to you."  
  
Then she opened the door. And all hell broke loose. A sea of dirty clothes and various nick knacks from every time period spewed out of the closet and completely covered Max. She was about to make a crack about the kitchen sink, but that spilled out next to her.  
  
"I told you." Logan said and walked over, then began throwing the various CDs and dirty sweaters off of Max. Fifteen minutes later, he found her foot. Twenty minutes later came the torso... then, before he could find her face, Maxine burst through the door.  
  
"I cleaned the kitchen and - OH MY GOD!"  
  
"Whafs 'appening?" Max's muffled voice came from under the pile of junk.  
  
Maxine's eye began to twitch as she walked toward Logan and the mess. She stood over it for a moment, then pushed Logan aside roughly. She roughly threw the Lemon Pledge at him and told him to clean to living room. He looked at the pile of junk where Max was located, then one deathlook from Maxine sent him flying out of the bedroom.  
  
Logan sprinted to the kitchen, losing the Lemon Pledge along the way. He reached the edge of the kitchen and looked at the phone longingly. He didn't know why Maxine had moved it... until he rushed into the kitchen and slipped on its newly waxed surface and landed with a crash onto the floor. He rubbed the back of his head and tried to sit up, but it was no use.  
  
"Cat's in the cradle... silver spoons..." He mumbled before he passed out.  
  
Meanwhile, in the bedroom, Maxine had unearthed Max. She looked at her quizzically for a moment then pulled her out of the remaining debris.  
  
"How did you get caught in there?"  
  
"It's a long story that has to do with the Shrine of Logan." Max said and pulled a pipe cleaner from her hair. It was red in case you were wondering.  
  
Maxine shoved the broom in Max's arms. "Go and sweep by the front door. I've got work to do!"  
  
Max nodded and quickly left the bedroom. She searched high for Logan, then when she had no luck with that, she decided to start searching low. She walked into the kitchen, and like Logan, fell backward. Only she has a very hard genetically engineered head, so she didn't pass out. She turned to Logan... hey. She found him. Low. See? Searching high and low does work.  
  
"Logan... wake up..."  
  
Logan groaned and turned his head, but his eyes didn't open. Max sat and thought for a moment. What would wake him? What would cause his eyes to open in a flash? What would - ehehehe.  
  
"Logan, I'm going to spill some water on... your computers!"  
  
And that indeed get Logan to open his eyes. He reached out for Max, hoping to latch onto to her to keep her from destroying his years of hard work. She chuckled and stood up, then helped him to his feet.  
  
"Aren't you two supposed to be cleaning?"  
  
The pair squealed like little girls and whipped around to - fall again. That floor was pretty slippery. Maxine grabbed them by the shirts and lifted them a good ways off the floor. She turned and tossed them out of the kitchen. She grabbed the discarded broom and Lemon Pledge and roughly threw them at the heap that was currently Max and Logan.  
  
"I thought you two were part of the Dirt Brigade." She said. "But you've proven to be dirty and... expendable."  
  
"No! We're not expendable!" Max cried.  
  
"We'll clean! We'll clean!" Logan exclaimed. "Just give us another chance."  
  
Maxine's lips curled into a smile. "Well, that's good to hear. Initiative. You two take care of the living room and I'll give the bedroom another once over."  
  
They nodded and she disappeared. When she had gone, they turned to each other and knew what they had to do. Neither had to say one word, they both just knew. It was going to be tough and one of them might get hurt in the process, but they had to take the risk.  
  
And so...  
  
"I'll start with the windows and you can dust the paintings."  
  
"Okay."  
  
* * time lapse... * *  
  
Max and Logan dropped to the floor, exhausted. They cleaned the living room so well that it actually shined. Actually shined. Like in cartoons... but REAL. They weakly high-fived and began catching their breath.  
  
Maxine bounded into the room, looking completely refreshed. "Oh my, you've done such a wonderful job."  
  
"Vive la clean." Logan muttered halfheartedly.  
  
"You know, all this cleaning that we've done today gave me a fabulous idea." Maxine bubbled.  
  
Max and Logan looked at each other, both knowing that only horrible things could be to come. Then Maxine pulled out a pie chart. Now they knew for sure. Only plans of horrible complicatedness and destruction started with a pie chart.  
  
"This is how dirty Seattle is now." Maxine said and pointed at a red pie. "And this is how CLEAN it would be once we were done."  
  
She moved the first chart and now there was only a blue pie chart. Her plan was obviously to clean all of Seattle one hundred percent. Neither Max nor Logan had the heart - or stupidity - to tell her that her insane plan would never work.  
  
"We'll need more people..."  
  
"No." Maxine said flatly. "We won't need *more* people. We need LESS people."  
  
Max and Logan looked at each other again, as they have been doing that a lot lately, why not have them do it again, right? They both knew what crazy Maxine was suggesting...  
  
Genocide.  
  
"We can use cookies."  
  
Okay...  
  
Genocide via baked goods. EEP! 


	8. Cleaning Units 1 and 2

Max looked round the corner and made sure that Maxine was fully engrossed in teaching Logan the art of needle point before she crawled across the still dangerously slippery kitchen floor and grabbed the phone.  
  
She dialed Lydecker's number - which she got from the phone book. Man he really let himself slip, eh? And when he answered, she put on a big and deep voice to disguise her identity.  
  
"Hello? Mr. Donald?"  
  
...  
  
"Max?"  
  
"Uh! No! This is a mysterious man who is calling to inform you -"  
  
"And you're calling from Cale's penthouse. I've got Caller ID."  
  
"No! I've broken into Logan's apartment. He's out on the town with that sexy little minx with a witty personality, Max. I'm an anonymous caller."  
  
"Okay. I suppose I can believe that. But why have you called? And why now? I'm missing Murder She Wro - I mean, I'm missing being an evil genius villain mastermind! ...Mwhahaha."  
  
"Just shut up and listen. The domestics were released in the destruction of Manticore and one of them is in Seattle."  
  
"The... domestics? Oh my God. The world is doomed."  
  
"They can't be all that bad... can they? I mean, they just like to clean and... bake."  
  
"They're horrible monsters!" He squeaked on the line. "They start off cleaning and baking, then the connections in their brains come... unconnected and they kill anything in their path. Only Manticore had the kitchen facilities to keep them in check. The world is doomed."  
  
"How do you stop them?"  
  
"There's only one way..."  
  
Max leaned in closer to the phone to get a better listen. From Lydecker's end of the phone all we hear is "Sfff sfff sffff and then sffff sffffff sfff then sfff sffff sssffff."  
  
...  
  
"I didn't catch any of that. Just a then or two."  
  
"Oh." Lydecker replied. "Just become more clean than her and she'll flip the hell out. It's the only way to neutralize them."  
  
"Thank you. Oh, I better go. I think Logan and his sexy, sexy girl are coming back. I'll be in touch."  
  
Lydecker's end went dead and Max quietly hung up the phone. She wiped her forehead and said "Phew" like you do in those situations when you haven't been caught, then she crawled across the floor again and sidled into the living room. She shrieked when she saw Logan.  
  
He was encased in knitting! She ran over to him and ripped the knitting off of him. She slapped his face a few times to wake him up.  
  
Slapslapslap.  
  
Groan.  
  
Slapslapslap.  
  
Groangroan.  
  
Slapslapslapslapslap.  
  
"Oh, thank God, Max. I'm awake."  
  
Slap.  
  
"Max, I'm awake. I'm really okay."  
  
Slap.  
  
"Max!"  
  
Slapslap.  
  
He pushed her away and had to dodge another slap. Sensing that he had to slap - I mean, snap her out of it, he slapped her back. They both stared at each other for a moment then Max decided to let Logan in on what Lydecker had told her.  
  
"And how do we do that?"  
  
Max pulled some Lemon Pledge from... her back pocket and arched an eyebrow. It was obvious that Logan was supposed to get the drift there. And he did. Sweet.  
  
* * time lapse... * *  
  
Maxine rounded the corner and walked into the living room, her dirt sensors wildly... sensing. She looked all around the room, but could find no sign of dirt. Or Logan. Or Max. She felt this was extremely curious, so she went into the bedroom. No dirt. No Max. No Logan. The bathroom was the same. Which left only one logical location the kit - computer room.  
  
She smirked, knowing that she would find dirt and would finally have an excuse to do away with her closest dirt-doers. Keyboards are filled with crumbs, aren't they? She threw open the door to the computer room and gave a hearty laugh, but... no dirt. There was however Max and Logan.  
  
The pair was scrubbing and polishing furiously. This duo of dirt fighting wouldn't let anything past them. Oh no. Sensing she might be foiled, Maxine crossed her arms. "Missed a spot."  
  
Max shot up in typical Maxine style. "WHERE?"  
  
Maxine opened her mouth to answer, but Logan pointed and yelled, "THERE!" Then he dove over his desk and slammed onto the floor, then quickly got scrubbing the spot. He came up a minute or so later with a victorious smile. "Got it!"  
  
"Right on Cleaning Unit #2!" Max exclaimed and gave him a high-five.  
  
"Cleaning Unit... wha?" Maxine questioned.  
  
"We've decided to become more efficient." Logan explained. "We've done away with our names and can now function properly and eliminate dirt the way it was meant to be eliminated, right Cleaning Unit #1?"  
  
"You are correct, sir!" Max answered and polished the S key on the keyboard one more time.  
  
'Is it possible I have met my match?' Maxine wondered. She decided that she better not have. Cause then she'd have to go crazy! Soo, she decided to do the only reasonable thing...  
  
"I challenge you to a dirt eliminating battle!" 


	9. Taking Out The Trash

The three stood at the edge of one of Seattle's dirtiest streets, ready to begin the competition (it had been named Dirt War 2020 just five minutes ago by Max.)  
  
"CU1, CU2." Maxine nodded and gripped her Lemon Pledge so hard her knuckles began turning white.  
  
"Maxine." Max and Logan said together, then for effect they added a little nod. They had discussed the greeting prior to the arrival on the street, hoping that their... teamliness would intimidate Maxine just a little.  
  
It didn't. She snarled and took a racing position.  
  
"You know the rules." She barked. "First one to thoroughly clean their side of the street gets to feed the loser poisonous cookies until they die."  
  
"I hope you like poisonous cookies." Max said, her game face in place. That rhymed. "Cause you're gonna be eatin' a whole lot of 'em."  
  
"I think not." Maxine replied. Then she began the countdown. "Five... four... three... two... o -"  
  
A metal garbage can slammed down on Maxine's head. She staggered backward and even dropped her Lemon Pledge. She swayed a bit, then mumbled "Always remember to wash your hands." Then she passed out.  
  
Logan threw the garbage can to the side and dusted his undusty hands. He and Max high-fived as they have been doing a lot lately, then Max tied up Maxine with a conveniently placed rope.  
  
"I gotta say, that was a good plan." Logan said after Maxine was securely tied.  
  
"Yeah, I'm just glad we didn't actually have to clean." Max shuddered at the thought.  
  
"So what're we going to do with her? We can't just leave her..."  
  
"Oh, don't you worry. I've got a plan."  
  
Logan mulled that over. "An actual plan? Or more praying?"  
  
...  
  
"This time it's an actual plan."  
  
Logan raised his eyebrows in shock.  
  
"I know. I was surprised myself."  
  
* * time lapse... * *  
  
* * somewhere in a mostly peaceful community... * *  
  
Maxine groaned and opened her eyes. After her vision cleared and her memory came back to her, she struggled against her rope-y restraints and cursed the names of Max and Logan. She let out a frustrated scream when she found herself unable to free herself.  
  
She sat and fumed a bit, then noticed that she was on a doorstep. She found it curious, but decided to question it later. She was angry right now gosh darnit, and she was gonna stay that way!  
  
A few minutes later, the door opened. Maxine saw the slippers and looked at the hem of the robe of the person that was standing before her. The tag read:  
  
K-Mart, white sale.  
  
Maxine slowly looked up and finally saw who was in the doorway.  
  
Martha Stewart.  
  
Maxine's lip began to quiver and her eyes began to fill with tears.  
  
"Mommy?"  
  
* * meanwhile, back in Seattle... * *  
  
"Now, what were we doing before we were so rudely interrupted?"  
  
Max and Logan flopped onto the couch.  
  
"We were about to engage in some strenuous activity..."  
  
...  
  
"Wanna watch TV instead?"  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
And so, this is how our story ends. Martha Stewart has found a new protégé and Max and Logan are damn tired. They've settled in to watch some Animal Planet... why? Because they can't watch TVLand without twitching anymore.  
  
The End. 


End file.
